Life struggle

The phone rang, well it was not exactly ringing.. it was the alarm buzzing off like a bumble bee...

(no need for the traditional alarm clock.. technology has allow me not to have to waste my ringgits on one, since my mobile phone could do the same trick.. and I'm thankful for it.. being the cheapskate that I am..)

I thought.. ughh. can the sound be more annoying?? I doubt it...
a scenario I have to face day in and day out..
looked at the phone screen and realized it was 20 minutes to 6..
hmm.. I will still have about 10 minutes left for Qiamullail.. if I sleep for another 10..
so, there I go again.. giving lengthy excuses for myself.. so that I can fall back to sleep..
before I knew it, the alarm went off again.. and to my disbelief...

6.30 a.m??? oh god, I missed it, I missed my chance to perform my Qiamullail for the day..

"And pray tahajjud in the small watches of the mornin: (it would be) an additional prayer (or spiritual profit) for thee: soon will thy Lord raise thee to a station of Paradise and Glory" (Al-'Isra: 80)

ughh.. annoyed and frustrated with myself, I got up, and quickly dashed into the washroom..

took my ablution and performed my fajr prayer.. I couldn't concentrate.. seems like everything I have planned for the day kept on rewinding itself in my head..

my thoughts were.. ughh.. go away.. I need to concentrate on my prayer.. and yet, random thoughts kept on playing in my head like a film projector.. I was annoyed...

I was blaming the "devil" or satan.. or syaitan, whichever you prefer to call them since they're all nasty... I thought of the quranic verse (7:16-17 and 2:36)..

hmpphh.. how I wish I could tell them off for distracting me from my prayers and causing me to miss my Qiamullail.... I finished my prayers with a feeling of desatisfaction.. I should have done better.. why can't I concentrate??..

Then, I thought of the verse (14:22)

".. And Satan will say when the matter is decided: "It was Allah Who gave you the promise of Truth. I too promised, but I failed in my promise to you.... I reject your former act in associating me with Allah. For wrongdoers there must be a grievous penalty"

I can't put all the blame onto something else.. God has made me able to think.. I have the previlage to choose, I will be hold accountable for what I've done.. oh Allah.. why is it so hard to fight against my own nafs?

I was the one who chose to sleep over waking up for Qiamullail, I was the one who failed to concentrate.. I mean.. in the day of judgement, there is no way that I can put the blame on other beings.. includin the devils mind u.. it made me shiver thinking of the verse 13-15, Chapter 17 (Surah Al-Isra'):

"Every man's fate We have fastened on his own neck: On the Day of judgement We shall bring out from him scroll, which he will see spread open.

(It will be said to him:) "read your own record: Sufficient is thy soul this day to make out an account against thee."

Who receiveth guidance, receiveth it for his own benefit: who goes astray doth so to his own loss: No bearer of burdens can bear the burden of another: nor would We visit with Our Wrath until We had sent an messenger (to give warning).

Oh well, I should strive for the hereafter.. I mean worldly life is important but the hereafter is my ultimate destination.. and I hope to strive for the ultimate..

"What is the life of this world but amusement and play? but verily the Home in the Hereafter ,

that is life indeed, if they but knew" (Al-ankabut: 64).

But one thing that I'm sure of, if I truely hope for Him to show me the right way towards his blessings I'd surely find it.

"And Your Lord says: "Call on me; I'll answer your (Prayer): but those who are too arrogant to serve Me will surely find themselves in Hell - in humiliation!"

(Surah Al-Mu'min:60)

"Say: "O my Lord! let my entry be by the Gate of Truth and Honour, and likewise my exit by the Gate of Truth and Honour; and grant me from Thy Presence and authority to aid (me)"

(Surah Al-'Isra: 80)

to be continued.....